Saban WHAT?!
by Houkanno Yuuhou
Summary: Rated PG for some Senshi-swearing! You would, too, if you ever saw Saban's trailer for Sailor Moon! So what are the Senshi going to do--err, say? R/R please! If you think the dub is bad, then you don't know the horror!


Konnichiwa, minna! I had the need to write this little comedy after seeing something scary the other day. The fact is that back in 1994, both DiC and Saban were commissioned to produce a Sailor Moon trailer for America. DiC decided to go the inexpensive route--they just dubbed the original (yes, the beloved dub that we all know and love). Saban though went an entirely *cough* different route. Since their Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers were so popular, they decided to create a live-action show with a twist--cartooning and the new computer animation. The outcome was...err, rather...different all right. *ahem* In the end, thankfully, Toei went with DiC because Saban's little trailer cost too much money to make in the long run. Thankfully, there is a higher power somewhere.   
But this got me wondering what would happen if our lovable Senshi happened to see their Saban counterparts on TV. What...uh, horrible...thoughts would go through their minds? Could this cause mass lemming suicides????  
Um, no. Maybe not. But anyone who sees the Saban SM trailer is either going to barf or laugh themselves silly. Maybe to death. For all those that complain about the dub, the dub may bite in certain places, but at least it isn't Mighty Morphin' Sailor Moon.  
  
Disclaimer: No, I don't own Sailor Moon, and I bet that Naoko-sensei is glad that Saban has no rights to them. And no way--NO HOW--would I want to own the Saban SM trailer. Ever. And also, NO, I don't own the horrid song that belongs to that cartoon, but I have put it here to torture you. You'd better thank your lucky ass for the pitiful dub now. Bwahahahaaa!   
  
Saban WHAT?!  
(A chaotic little parody by Houkanno Yuuhou)  
  
  
The afternoon was very humid, even if it was a glorious day. But the stickiness of the heat made everything and everyone silent out of despair.  
Um, except at one house.  
"Give me that remote, Minako!!!"  
Let's take a peek, shall we?  
On various chairs in the living room of this house, there are ten people of all sorts of odd backgrounds seated. Two very hyper blondes are fighting over the remote control to the satellite dish.  
"Give it here, Minako! It's my house and my say!" the odangoed blonde screams. She tries in vain to slap the slender black controller from the other girl's hands.  
The long-haired blonde shakes her head disapprovingly and laughs. "Uh-uh, iie, Usagi-chan! Finders-keepers, losers-weepers!" She grins and continues to flip the channels.   
A raven-haired girl screams suddenly, and everyone looks at her. That is, except for the blonde that's controlling the remote. "AGH! Minako, quit flipping the channels! That is so damn annoying!!!"  
"But I'm trying to find something to watch!" Minako whines. To no avail. The odangoed blonde and now the raven-haired girl are after the remote.  
"It's mine, Rei! Hands OFF!" Usagi screams, almost slapping a blue-haired girl in the process of trying to slap the girl known as Rei. "Oh! Gomen, Ami-chan!"  
Ami shakes her head, and Rei squeals with happiness. Everyone turns to look, and....  
Oh, it's no surprise. Now SHE has the remote. The fight begins again. Sigh.  
"Hah hah! Now we watch what 'I' want to watch!" she shouts delightfully.  
"But it's MY house!"  
"I don't care!"  
"But I DO!"  
"I--"  
Everyone, but the three perfecting the art of tongue war, of course, has grown tired off the bickering, and they simultaneously yell, "STOP IT!!"  
The three girls on the couch quiet down and hang their heads in shame.   
However, it doesn't last but a minute because Minako has taken control of the TV once again, and she is on the prowl for a good show. "Shimatta, I want my cartoons!"  
The man sitting beside Usagi arches an eyebrow and gives Minako a confused look. "Um, Minako? Cartoons??"  
Minako blushes, but her finger does not falter as she proceeds to tap the channel button. "Hai."  
Usagi elbows the man and glares up at him. "What, exactly, is wrong with cartoons, Mamo-chan?"  
Ami sighs and hides her face in embarrassment. "Isn't anything that is educational on right now?"  
The tall, short-haired blonde standing behind her laughs suddenly, causing the small girl to jump. "Heh heh, on Friday afternoon? That's sure as hell not likely!"  
"Haruka!" the tall aqua-haired woman next to her scolds. "Be nice."  
Minako squeals loudly, interrupting everyone's--and probably everything in the universe--train of thought. "Look! Voltron!" She looks at the girl in pink on the TV screen. "I wish I had that many men surrounding me!"  
Usagi laughs, and then both start to wail when they realize that the show's final credits are rolling. "Shit! I wanted to watch that!!" Usagi sobs.   
A picture of the planets appears, and then a strange, bubblegum-pop melody blasts through the TV's speakers.  
"...flying higher than a bird! Sailor, Sailor Moon!"  
Usagi perks up, and her eyes become little blue slits as she strains to see the TV. "What the hell is THAT?"  
Rei shakes her head. "Don't know, but I'm getting terrible vibes about this!"  
"Screw your vibes!" the small girl in the rocker shouts. Her short, black hair dances wildly around her face as she obviously tries to retain her composure. "ALL of us have bad vibes about...THIS!" She points to the TV, her face frozen in fear.  
Minako giggles. "Ah, come ON, Hotaru-chan! It can't be THAT bad!"  
Suddenly, a bright-eyed, chipper teenager with medium-length, blond hair driving her car pops onto the screen. Shocked by the sudden face, everyone screams.   
"Can it?" Minako asks, her voice a tiny little whimper.  
"AGH!" Usagi yells. "I DON'T LOOK LIKE THAT!"  
The guy affectionately known as "Mamo-chan" pulls Usagi closer to him. "Uuuhh, where are the odangos?"  
"Shimatta!! What have they done to my hair!!!" Usagi's lower lip trembles. "I would NEVER wear such a geeky hat!"  
"Quiet!" Rei snaps, drawing closer to the TV. "I want to see this!"  
An animated version of Sailor Moon graces the screen. The sailor fuku is almost the same, but the hair is shorter and cascades down the girl's back in gentle waves. The cartoon then turns back into a human girl. Next you can see the rest of "the gang" at school, crowding around Sailor Moon, who is of course, in her regular school clothes now.  
"Holy shit!" Minako shouts, more out of surprise than anger. "I'm in a damn wheelchair! What the HELL?"  
The tall brunette hangs her head in an attempt to hide her flushing cheeks. "Kami-sama, they changed me totally."  
"At least you aren't in a wheelchair!"  
Rei smiles happily. "At least I'm still there and still beautiful."  
"Where the hell are we???" Haruka asks, rather...err, pissed at the moment.  
Hotaru shakes her head. "I'm rather thankful that they didn't include us. I don't want to look like a dork." The tall, green-haired woman next to her nods.  
"At least you all almost look the same!" Usagi cries. "WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO MY HAIR?!" The poor odangoed one is almost on the verge of a nervous breakdown.  
Two cats come from the kitchen to see what the commotion is about. "What's going on?" the black one asks Usagi. The white one can't stop staring at the TV.  
"L-l-l-look, Luna," Usagi stutters, pointing towards the TV. "What happened to my beautiful hair?" she moans.  
Luna gasps. "That is the Senshi??"  
"What's left of them," the brunette mumbles.  
"...with her advisor, Luna...Sailor, Sailor Moon!"  
On the screen, the camera cuts to a white Angora cat named...you guessed it--Luna.   
The white cat in the living room bursts into fits of belly laughter. "Oh my Kami-sama! T-t-that's LUNA??" Everyone erupts into laughter with him.  
Luna sighs. "That isn't even me."  
"At least you aren't in a wheelchair!!"  
"At least you're in the cartoon!"   
Mamo-chan, who can barely be heard over all the female chatter, mutters, "Where the hell am I?"   
"At least you have hair!"  
Ami says lowly, under her breath, "At least I'm still smart."  
Suddenly, Mamo-chan jumps to his feet and proudly declares, "They have to have a Tuxedo Kamen! There ARE no Senshi without Tuxedo Kamen!"  
"Oh, REALLY?" Usagi quips sarcastically. She, Rei, and Minako proceed to drag him to the ground and slap him senseless.  
"Cool," the brunette says quietly. "They made me the princess."  
Usagi looks up and shouts, "THEY DID WHAT, MAKOTO?!"  
Makoto blushes. "Uh, nothing."  
"BASTARDS!" Usagi cries in an ear-piercing shout. "I AM THE PRINCESS!" Her knees give out, and she sinks to the carpet in a soggy, sobbing mess. "They can't do that!" She shakes Mamo-chan back and forth violently until the poor man looks green.  
"Oh, I think I'm going to be sick."  
"So am I!" Haruka yells, slamming her fist into the couch's back.  
"Oh, I AM going to puke," Mamo-chan moans again.  
"Oh my goodness," Ami interrupts them, pointing to the horrid box that is the TV. "We are fighting space monsters on surfboards." She groans and sinks forward, clutching her knees. "I am not going to vomit. I am not going to vomit."  
Everyone looks, and sure enough, they are fighting evil...on *gag* surfboards with sails.  
"Space is not red and pink and orange!" Ami sobs. "This is a crime against physics!"  
Rei laughs sarcastically. "This is a crime against all that is good."  
Minako stands and shouts at the TV, "This is a crime against me! I am in a wheelchair!"  
Ami sighs. "There is nothing wrong with that."  
Usagi nods and cries--once again. "Iie, wheelchairs don't amount to a hill of beans. I have been wronged! I am the true princess! I have beautiful LONG hair!"  
Minako moans and sinks back into her spot on the couch. "But minna, I am not in a wheelchair. How can I fight evil in a wheelchair??" she whines but is ignored.  
"I say we find out who created this...this freak of nature," Haruka says.  
"Me?" Minako squeaks.  
"THE CARTOON, YOU DITZ!" they all answer.  
"Oh."  
Usagi grins maniacally, and there is an evil glimmer in her eyes. Uh oh. "Oh, we will." She nods to herself and cackles.  
Um, is it safe to say she has lost her mind indefinitely now?  
They all stare at her, unsure of what to say or even do as she rubs her hands together.  
  
The evening sky is beautiful, a canvas of oranges, reds, yellows, and blues. Stars light up the sky, making it look like it's covered in fine little diamonds. The heat has died down now, and the night breeze makes everything cool. Sounds of crickets, birds, and idle chatter have returned, forgetting the stillness of earlier.  
If you look down, you can a big office building with a warehouse-type building behind it. A sign out front tells us that this place is the headquarters of Saban Entertainment, Inc.  
Do you hear whispering?  
Two very familiar figures come out of the bushes and move along the shadows of the building.  
"Keep it quiet, Rei! Do you want someone to notice us?"  
"Usagi! Don't you think they'll notice this place on fire anyway??"  
"Well...so what? After what they did to me...err, us, I think they deserve it!"  
"But they didn't do anything to me! And they did give you some boobs, Odango, so you should be grateful!"   
"REI!"  
"Now who should be quiet??" After a long pause, the voice that belongs to Rei speaks again. "What am I saying? They should pay for making you look better than me!"  
"I ALREADY look BETTER than you!"  
"Oh, just shut up, Odango. What are the others going to say when they find out?"  
"I don't care! Just do it!"  
"All right, all right, FIRE SOUL BIRD!"  
Um, suddenly the complex is on fire...and Usagi and Rei chuckle...that is, until they notice that the ground is...well, SHAKING.  
They both look at each other and scream, "URANUS!"  
"You dumbass!" Rei yells as they fall to the ground in a tangled mess.  
  
Earlier, before arson was committed....  
Four familiar figures come out of the shadows.  
"I don't care what you say, this place is coming down! They didn't even put us in the damn cartoon! This is much, much worse than the cousins fiasco!"  
"Uh, it is, Haruka?"  
"Uh...well...it is to ME. Just stand back, minna!"  
"Setsuna, Hotaru! Do something! We can't let her do this!"  
"Uh, we can't?"  
"Like I already, I think it's better we weren't even in the damn thing--"  
"Hotaru!!"  
"What??"  
"Michiru, Hotaru, just let her go. Everyone will just blame it on an earthquake."  
"Will you SHUT UP while I do this???"  
"Hai, Haruka...whatever you say."  
Knuckles crack. "Good. Let's do this thing! URANUS WORLD SHAKING!"  
"Uhh...does anyone else feel the heat?"  
"I smell smoke!"  
"Ah shimatta! What is Rei doing here?!"  
"Duck!!"  
All four fall to the ground, and then someone yells, "I have a good plan--let's run before this bastard explodes!"  
"HOTARU!"  
"Shimatta, just RUN!"  
  
Later, a tongue war is going on far FAR away from the burning building.  
"What were you two doing there?!"   
"Doing the same thing as you, Haruka-baka!"  
"Well, gomen, Odango, but we were already taking care of the problem."  
"So were we!!"  
All but Haruka and Usagi shake their heads and leave the two there while they continue home.  
  
And that's where we will leave this story, minna. Just remember--hey!  
"I'll handle this! Remember, children, Luna the BLACK cat says, 'Don't screw with the REAL Sailor Senshi!' Bwahahahaaa!!!"  
  
No Saban employees or executives were hurt while blowing up their headquarters. Errr...maybe. Have a nice day! ^_~ 


End file.
